What do I want

What do you want to do in life?

It is a very disturbing question for me. What I want . Its an epitome of the selfishness inside me. That's what I feel when I think about what I want .

I feel more fluid about myself . I don't think I can flow in a single determined direction to reach the ocean. I don't even know whether I m flowing or I need to flow. Why can't I be stagnant and stink. Why can't I erode the rocks and sand of the bottom with force . Why can't I seep into the ground and form the water table. Why can't I evaporate into clouds and come back as rain. Or I can choose to not become water but be a rock or a tree or a cow that drinks water. Why can't  I choose to become another form of life. Why can't I exist without a purpose.

And honestly I dont know what I want. I m surprised by people who say they have plans for every day in every month of every year that's going to come. I cannot even predict my mind in the next minute. How will I be able to plan for future?

The whole idea of I should know what I want bothers me. Want is not what I like. I like to listen to people, can I say that's what I want to do the rest of my life ? I like sleeping peacefully. Can I go on to plan my life sleeping in and out ?

And it is not about where I m comfortable . I m very much happy and contended to sleep in an emergency room and work day and night. I m comfortable walking into anyone's home and stay as a member of their family. Can I plan something just because I m comfortable with somebody?

And the complexity of spouse , salary , home , work , family - all disturbs me. Why should I plan my life based on all the non predictable factors that is around me. The ego of my 'self' doesn't let me acknowledge anything outside me to be taken as a criteria to decide what I want .

Next time when you ask someone what do you want , please think twice. There are beings like me who are dissolved into the present , struggling to collect the self and go on to search for the answer.

I usually reply saying "it's complicated"